I tried a little experiment today that I read about on the internet. The article recommended playing Eye of the Tiger in the background of your most mundane tasks to see what happens. I tried it and the article was right: I felt pretty fierce while I was washing the socks. None of the socks dared to get lost in the dryer by the time I was done with them.
Once you let doctors know you have a medical condition, they want to see you all the time. It gives them something to do. If no one admits to any illnesses, the doctors can’t have fun.
Remember how I told you I have low blood pressure and when I jog on the treadmill it makes me dizzy for the rest of the day? No wait! I didn’t tell you! I only told my Facebook friends.
I was crowing on Facebook about my condition. Turns out the treatment for low blood pressure involves eating more salt and caffeine. It’s the Best Medical Condition Ever. Bring on the Grandma Utz Potato Chips and Pepsi.
Anyway…I went to see my nurse practitioner today about my low blood pressure and dizzy bouts and apparently this is what she’d been waiting for all day long. She called in the student doctor to sit in on the appointment so the student could share in the fun.
She asked the student, “Have you ever seen anyone perform the Dix-Hallpike maneuver?” The student said, “No.” At this, my nurse practitioner pushed my head to the side, much like James Bond does in movies when he’s going for the kill by snapping someone’s neck, and then shoved me down flat on my back. !! Then she helped me back up, twisted my head the other way, and shoved me down again!
If only I’d been playing Eye of the Tiger on my iPad at the time, she’d have never gotten away with that.
Next, just because she wanted to see how far she could push before I realized it was all a joke, she told me that maybe the “crystals in my ears need to be realigned.” Crystals in my ears? To go with my bionic eye, I suppose.
And it was at that point that I burst into laughter. I mean, it’s bad enough having to admit to everyone that you’re dizzy when they all suspected it in the first place. But now that I’d admitted to it, my provider was using it as an excuse to knock me over and tell me I have ‘misaligned crystals’ in my ears.
I ended up laughing so much about the misaligned crystals in my ears that I couldn’t even answer some of her questions. It was bad. It wasn’t like having cute little giggles. They were all out guffaws. When they settled down I had to take deep breaths and think about sad things so it wouldn’t start up again.
I think all my laughing got to her just a bit because she went out and printed a paper from the internet about how to treat misaligned crystals in the ears. Treatment? Flipping the patient’s head around and winging them up into seated positions and then knocking them down (wing up, knock down, wing up, knock down) until the crystals fall out of their ears.
Then you can make a lovely set of earrings with them to give to your mother on Mother’s Day.
And actually, according to the paper, they’re not really “crystals.” They’re calcium deposits. Ok, that sounds a little more reasonable, though not nearly as entertaining.
It wasn’t until I got home that I remembered that my nurse practitioner is my friend Barbetta’s coworker. Oh no! I sat there laughing and laughing at her about the misaligned crystals in my ears until I couldn’t breathe. And she knows I’m Barbetta’s friend.
Do you remember some of my other blog posts where I explain what a Bad Patient I am? And remember how I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t act like a loon in front of my new nurse practitioner so that I wouldn’t embarrass Barbetta?
Well that resolution went out the window today.
I’m sorry, Barbetta, but I’m pretty sure your coworker doesn’t think my dizziness is a medical condition. It’s just my same old dizzy personality disorder that I’ve had since the day I was born.