Bond Girls, Puffy Women, and the Loo

Why is it that I can go days, nay, weeks without having to use the loo, but sit me in a movie theater and within 10 seconds of the start of the film, I’ve got to go.  What’s up with that?!

So, I went to the movies today and stayed until the last credit rolled up the screen, as I usually do.  In today’s credits there was a “Thank you to the Royal Navy for the use of the Wildcat Helicopter” which makes it obvious what I went to see.  I mean, is there any movie in the entire world that the Royal Navy would obligingly lend their Wildcat Helicopter to except one?

After today’s movie, I have good news for my long-suffering friends.  As you all know, whenever anyone mentions James Bond within earshot, I can’t help but launch into a passionate rant about the distressing lack of James Bond music in the last few James Bond movies.  It’s just not a James Bond movie without the James Bond music, I don’t care how many shaky martinis the man drinks.  Without the James Bond music, it may as well be a Will Smith movie.

But after today, I can lay all my rants to rest.  There was much blaring of trumpets in today’s movie.  Finally.

In honor of the James Bond movie, I spent an alarming half hour with Alex (my camera), attempting to see if I could ever pass as a Bond girl.  Ay yi yi.  I had to rely on some serious smoky-eye makeup and lots of help from photo editing software to come even close..

Anything I can’t fix with the photo editing software will have to be handled in other ways.  For example, Bond women always have accents.  I’ve got that covered–I can do an amazing American accent.  I sound just like an American when I talk in my American accent.   And, I’m the perfect weight.  All I have to do is stay this same weight, but grow another seven inches, and then I’ll be tall and skinny, like all the Bond women are.  And I know how to grow taller from watching old Brady Bunch episodes:  hang from a jungle gym.

I’m so glad we have movies and TV nowadays.  No wonder all those Renaissance women in the paintings were puffy and overweight.  They didn’t have the Brady Bunch to tell them how to grow, and they also didn’t have non-stop, unrelenting, never-ending images of women who are 5’11 and weigh 103 pounds to aspire to.  We’re soooo lucky.

Wait….pale skin? Glowy yellow eyes?  Looks like I make a better vegetarian vampire than a Bond girl.


6 thoughts on “Bond Girls, Puffy Women, and the Loo

  1. TOTAL BOND GIRL! Look at those cheek bones…actually you have a very Euro look so I think you would be the double agent spy trying to take Bond out.

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