Heather is amazingly intelligent and extremely good looking and reads The Blog. She’s from Texas. No, I’ve never met her, but she commented, “I am enjoying your pictures of the leaves changing colors. We do not have much of that here in Houston. Everything goes green/yellow to brown/yellow or dead in the ‘winter’.”
So…today I took fall pictures just for you, Heather. They were taken in a development near my house. I tried not to show the houses in the pictures, because they’re those Ugly New Houses. I call them UNHs for short.
I know, I know. Most of you love your UNHs with their shiny new appliances and roofs that don’t leak, but they’re just so stinkin’ ugly! If a house isn’t old enough to have at least 12 coats of gloppy paint on each wall, then it’s a UNH.
I, personally, don’t like UNHs. They have no character at all. Where’s the gloppy paint? Where are the oddly shaped kitchens that aren’t any good for entertaining? Where are the teeny-tiny closets? Where is the crazy blue shag carpet in the spare room? Where are the old heating systems where the pilot light goes out in the middle of the night on the coldest night of the winter and you wake up able to see your breath? Where, people, where??
I was a picky eater as a child. This means that instead of food, I lived off of books about children who lived in giant old houses with various portals to new worlds. Some of them had magical rooms that changed every time you opened the door. You simply cannot get to a different world or open a door to a new room in a UNH. Heck, you can’t even find a decent attic with a dusty old trunk stuffed with secret letters from Revolutionary War spies in an UNH, much less fake bricks in the fireplace with hidden jewels or secret rooms in the basement with sad old love letters hidden behind the canning jars.
When I did the NaNoWriMo challenge a couple of years ago (completed my 50,000 words in 30 days, thank you very much) my story was about…you got it…someone who went through a door and found herself in a different world. Hmm. Maybe after I’m done my Year in Pictures, I’ll have time to go back and edit that thing.
A few years ago, Tammy (my sister-in-law) was out looking at model homes for a UNH. Mom (my mother-in-law) and I were tagging along. Mom has a UNH, which she loves, and I’ve seen Tammy moon over UNHs, so she loves them, too.
The model homes were nice—well, as nice as a UNH can be, and I was thinking to myself, Gee, these UNHs are really ugly, but they do have some interesting features. All that closet space is flippin’ amazing! And the kitchens are so roomy—all those cupboards. And no blue shag to be found anywhere! So I murmured, “These are nice.”
Poor Mom turned to me with compassion in her eyes. I think she might have even patted me on the arm and said, “Well, maybe one day you’ll get a house like this, too.” And before I could stop myself I blurted out a horrified, “Oh, I hope not! These houses are so Ugly!”
Oooo. So rude. I’m sure I turned bright red from embarrassment as soon as the words left my mouth. Way to go insulting the family, Lizard. They both just stared at me for a tick, and then went about their business. I’m so sorry, Mom and Tammy, for being so insulting that day. I didn’t mean it personally. I “get” how much you love UNHs. I know plenty of people who cannot stand drafty, cramped, blue shag-carpeted old homes with leaky roofs, and adore their clean and lead-paint free homes with the nice big closets.
So, back to the point: here are the pictures for Heather, with as few UNHs in them as possible. Enjoy.