Everything in this blog post is a lie, except the part about the drinking song.

Red letter day today!  I got Melissa hooked on Doctor Who!

Melissa.  What to say about Melissa?  I barely know Melissa, but whenever I’m with her, I have such a good time.  Last time we were together was that night when we were supposed to have the Super Moon, but really it was the Puny Moon.

The Puny moon was like when we took the kids to Fort McHenry.  If you don’t know, Fort McHenry is in the Baltimore harbor.  Baltimore is a city in the state of Maryland, built around the Chesapeake Bay.  Way back during the war of 1812, the British came to the Baltimore harbor in their battleships ready to bomb Baltimore to bits.  Some drivel about how the British were stopping the American ships from importing french fries.  Don’t try to keep an American away from his french fried potatoes!  You just let that sleeping tiger lie.

It’s all a little confusing, but somehow the British captured some guy named Francis Scott Key for making fun of their silly accents, and kept him on board their battleships, forcing him to compose poetry for their girlfriends.  Apparently, he could compose a wicked limerick.

Meanwhile, the American soldiers inside Fort McHenry started firing cannonballs at the battleships.  Of course they did!  The cannons made such lovely BOOM sounds that they couldn’t resist tossing some hunks of heavy metal (dude!) at the British ships.  Seriously–it was irresistible.  Give a bunch of twenty-somethings a loaded cannon and a match and come tantalizing old-timey ships to blow up and what do you expect??

“Hey, dude.  Let’s fire the cannons at those old-timey ships and see if we can sink them!”

“Yeah, cool man!  ‘You sunk my battleship!'”

“Narly, dude!”

Anyway, their aim must have been pretty bad, because Francis Scott Key didn’t seem too worried.  In fact, instead of running around screaming, as I would have done, he sat around writing more poetry and putting it to the music of an old drinking song.  That part is absolutely true.  I even double checked wikipedia to be sure, so you know I’m right.  Old Francis had a twisted sense of humor, and he picked that particular song on purpose, imagining all the funny youtube videos of people trying to hit the high notes in that song.  Here’s a link to a compilation of messed up versions of the Star Spangled Banner.

As a nod to his hometown of Baltimore, he added a part in the song with a loud “O” right at the rousing part of the song.  He was a forward thinker, and he knew that no one in Baltimore would bother to actually learn the words to his song, so they would appreciate his foresight in adding that lovely “O!”  It’s delightful to be at a baseball game, listening to all the mumbling of people pretending to sing along, and then…the thrill of anticipation as The Moment draws near…then all singing together in dreadful harmony, “O! say does that star spangled banner yet wave, mumble, mumble, mumble…”   Thank you, Francis, for being such a big Oriole’s fan.  Go O’s!

You can still visit Fort McHenry today and sit in the squeaky chairs with your wiggly children and watch a film strip about old Francis composing his song while bombs burst in the air around him. At the end of the film strip, you hear a Gregorian choir manfully singing Francis’s song, while the curtains automatically pull back from the 10 foot long floor to ceiling window, revealing a huge American Flag mounted on top of a hummock and proudly waving in the breeze coming from the Chesapeake Bay.

Only, the day we were there, it was very, very windy.  And if you put a huge flag out on a very, very windy day, the flag will rip.  And since it was a particularly windy day, they had to put out a particularly puny flag.  Like the sort of flag that kids hold during a parade.

So, there we are, standing with our hands over our chests, the Gregorian monks singing their hearts out, the curtains drawing back to reveal….the puny flag, frantically flapping in the wind.

Darling Husband and I almost wet ourselves trying to hold back the laughter and Darling Husband leaned over to whisper that the monks were overkill, and honestly, kazoos should have been the order of the day.  It was such a solemn, ridiculous moment.

All that to say: I was last out with Melissa the day that the Super Moon, which was really the Puny Moon, was in the sky.  Like the puny flag at Fort McHenry.

But there we were, four photography-minded people, on the Gettysburg battlefields disappointed by the Puny moon, but  with our camera gear in hand.  We weren’t going to go home.  We ended up trying out a photography technique that Melissa had recently learned about, which involved her doing a zombie impression.  I bet you never knew that photography was so closely linked to zombie-ism, but now you do.  I’m full of many educational tidbits like that.  I mean, I probably taught you many facts about Francis Scott Key that they never taught you in school.  That’s why I homeschool.  Public school is just holding us down, people!  Break free from the lies!  The truth is out there!

Back to Melissa:  Her zombie impression had me laughing until I couldn’t breathe.  Could not breathe.  It was like being kicked in the guts, but without all the moaning.  Actually, that was the funny part:  Melissa trying to moan like a zombie.  I told her, “No one will hear you moan in a photograph,” but she said she couldn’t get into character for the picture unless she moaned.  And the more she moaned like a zombie, the funnier it got, and the more I told her to stop, but the more she did, until I couldn’t even breathe.

And back to the real point of the story:  Melissa and Doctor Who.

I had a quite lengthy discussion with her on Facebook today.  I won’t recap the entire conversation, but basically, Melissa is sick today and had nothing to watch on Netflix.

So I told her about Doctor Who.  Oh, I know some of you don’t like Sci-fi, or you don’t like Doctor Who, but that’s just because you’re not smart enough to get all the jokes and subtlties.  Oh, I’m just kidding.  I’m sure you’re super smart.

No.  Actually, I don’t believe that at all.  If you don’t like Doctor Who, then you’re just puny smart.  Seriously.  People who like Doctor Who are refined and sophisticated with delicate sensibilities.  The show has been on since 1963, with a short break between 1989 and 2005, for a total of 784 episodes.  Something that’s run that long and is still current has to be the Stuff of Legend.  Get on the bus, people!

So, there Melissa is, feeling sick with nothing to do, and I told her about Doctor Who.  “Huh,” she thought, “I don’t have anything else to do.”  That was at 1:30.  By 7:30, she had watched six episodes.  And last I heard, she said she was going to watch them for the rest of the night.

Another convert.

I knew I liked Melissa.

P.S.  Melissa has a photography business.  She will take beautiful pictures of you, and you will pay her lots and lots of money.


Picture of the day:

This is the book where Darling  Husband keeps all 784 Doctor Who episodes that he copied from TV.  Well, it’s a few less than 784 episodes because some of the earlier ones were lost by the studio.

784 episodes.