You Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape, Spit into the Wind, and You Don’t Mess Around with Airport Security

Ok.  I’m a big (big, big!) Jim Croce fan, and it’s bothering me that there’s not enough room for the entire title up there in the title bar.  The entire title should be:

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Airport Security.  A doo doodun da deet deet deet’n dee…  Click here to sing along

And now, down to business:  I am taking the night off!

Bridgette told me that if I ever wanted a night off, I could pull an old story that she wrote and post it on my blog.  So, that’s what I’m-a doin’.  (You have to talk like that after you listen to Jim Croce.)

In case you’re new today, I introduced Bridgette in yesterday’s blog.  If you missed the intro you can click on the word “Dustylizard” at the top of your screen and then scroll down to yesterday’s post.  Or you can click on May 29th on the calendar to the right of these words.

Before Bridgette’s story, here’s a picture of her with her lovely current husband.  Not the ex from the story:

My Darling Husband looked over my shoulder and said, “Huh.  That guy looks Greek.”  Yup.  He is.

Here’s Bridgette’s story and I’m off to wash dishes and work on my job.  What?! What job?!  Oh, wouldn’t you like to know!  I’ll tell you about it another day.

————————

Why My Ex-husband Got Talkened to by the FBI

You know when you get divorced that there will be those moments that show up and continue to be peppered throughout your life, that remind you, “Yes, this is why I divorced you, buddy!” Unfortunately for my ex-husband, his ego coupled with his astounding cluelessness regarding American culture tends to  cause major problems in his life.

Perfect example: my ex decided to take the kids to Florida for Spring Break. Why he goes there during Spring Break is a curiosity to me.   Another curiosity is the fact that it always has to be the beaches in Florida and never anywhere else. My kids have been to Disneyland about 8 times by now. But anyway.

One of the things about my ex that is really annoying is that he is frequently late. Almost every time he’s late. In fact, when we were married, people would invite us to dinner and tell us dinner time was an hour earlier than it really was because he was notoriously late. The other classy thing ex does is never bother to contact the waiting person to let them know what’s going on. He also doesn’t admit he has time management issues, preferring instead to blame the traffic, the car, the people, the weather.

We all have flaws that can be turned endearing if we acknowledge the things that cause us to struggle, but not my ex. If he’s late, it’s because you planned things too early. I tend to get very annoyed with people who act as though their time is more valuable than everyone else’s.  Since ex is doing quite well financially (he has four stores in New York) he tends to treat everyone else like they are annoyances in his plan.

So of course he shows up to the airport and checks in for the trip to Florida and then, not wanting to be one of the fools that actually sit on the plane waiting to take off, he has a habit of showing up to the gate a minute or two before the takeoff. Everyone else sitting there, waiting? Too bad suckers!

Except this time it’s Spring Break and they’ve overbooked the flight as it is. So when he gets to the gate the flight attendant tells him “Sorry, but you didn’t show up when we paged you on the intercom so we sold your tickets to someone else.”

Screeching of the record to a halt. What? This cannot be! Do you know who I am? Where is the manager? Who’s the boss? says he.

“I’m the boss, we can and we did, you should have been on time, sorry about that, but the flight is leaving.  You can go buy another set of tickets at the desk.”

So of course he’s on to her, he tells me later.  He knew she was just stalling to make sure the plane left without him, to cover up her mistake. He wasn’t going to take it that easy!

“You had no right to do that! I’m here! I’m standing right here! And the plane is there and my… (he grasps at straws) …my medicine is in my suitcase! Where are my suitcases? Where is my luggage?!”

“It’s on the plane, sir.  You’ll have to sort that out later.  You were late.”

Then he steams up full force and starts ranting about how irresponsible the airline is and how this is a breach in safety. He really gives it to her now. “You aren’t supposed to do that! You are supposed to off-load the luggage! I could have put a bomb in my suitcase and then not gotten on the plane!”

Bam.

In case you didn’t know, my ex is Egyptian and pretty much looks exactly like Mohammed Atta.

Ta-daaa!

Security is called and he’s kept in a room where he shrieks about racial profiling. Thank God he was traveling with his girlfriend who kept the boys in the terminal until he was released.

He has since been banned from flying on US Airways.

I worried for the kids.  But when I spoke to them later Zead’s take was, “Wow, that was pretty dumb.” And Bassem said, “All I could think the whole time is, what would Eddie Izzard do with this routine?” So all’s well. They are coming home tomorrow.

I am concerned, however, that their names are going to be on some sort of a watch list by association.

But, oh brother.

My ex’s take is that US Airways is a stupid airline and who wants to fly on it anyway?  Yeah.  Ok.

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4 thoughts on “You Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape, Spit into the Wind, and You Don’t Mess Around with Airport Security

  1. What a brilliant blog today’s is. I’m stunned by it’s acuity and intelligence and sophistication.

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