Alert! Guest writer on my blog tonight–don’t believe a word of it!

Alert! Alert!  I have a guest writer writing The Blog tonight!

My guest writer is Scott, the Great Leader of Photo Club.  We invited him to a lovely meal in our home (thanks again, Vic, for the salmon recipe), and this is how we’re repaid.  Sheesh!

(Don’t forget to click on the pictures to see them larger. The food looks awesome!  Great pictures.)

Take it away, Scott:

——————————-

Welcome to Elfin Cottage

Hey! That sign’s supposed to read “Bramble Cottage.” It’s next to my front door. Yes, I named my house. Didn’t you name yours?

Many of you only know of Dusty Lizard from the daily posts that you read on your laptops, desktops, iPads, and the like. What you see are the images that Dusty Lizard and her clan want you to see. The images and stories present some truth (approximately 2.5%) about the inhabitants of this happy home.

From her blog, you may get a glimpse into the psyche of the blog’s author and the interesting (uh, can we say, slightly twisted) happenings that made up her childhood and helped construct who she is today.

But the purpose of my guest blog appearance is to bring you a more realistic glimpse into what it’s like to be a guest in the home of The Dusty Lizard.

First things first…what’s up with the name, Dusty Lizard? As far as the Lizard part is concerned, I can only offer my opinion. We all know that lizards have forked tongues, and this particular lizard writes with the aid of her forked tongue. Now, I’m not trying to say that she’s a liar per se; however, there is a level of purpose to the weaving of her exaggerated tapestry, known as her blog.

The Dusty part…well now, that’s a different story. Here I can offer a bit more than speculation, and provide you with concrete evidence through the art of photography. As I take you through one of my more recent visits to the Lizard’s lair, your understanding will be expanded.

There are some things about visiting the Elfin Cottage that I like, but others that are quite bothersome. What you need to know is that I am the runt of my family and have been picked on all my life for my diminutive size. But, when I’m with Lizard and her family, I feel like Gulliver in the Land of the Lilliputians. So, the upside is that I finally get to feel tall. The downsides…here we go:

As you can see, the Cottage is so small that my head is near the ceiling. It’s nice, because I get all the warm air, which is beneficial since they heat the place with a since piece of coal.

Being so tall in this den, though, means that I get asked to take care of things that the occupants can’t reach. Here I was asked to place the strand of lights back on the bookshelf.

While there, I happened to notice this poor little elephant wedged between the books. He looked a bit dusty, and when I tried to wipe the dust off with my finger, it barely moved and practically fought back.

              

Another downside is the little creatures that Lizard likes to call her children. If you’ve read the blog, you know that the brood are homeschooled and rarely see civilization. Therefore, when guests come into their domain, they’re like devious little wood imps that rejoice in creating havoc for the intruder, by darting between one’s legs, leaping out of dark corners and scampering about like mischievous woodland critters (click here).

Since the ceilings are so low, it puts the lighting fixtures in the perfect position to maim taller prey. Here you can see how the children’s incessant scurrying has landed me with a face full of chandelier and a horrific headache.

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures. Having tall guests in the house is wildly entertaining, no?

Not only was I subject to the physical pain of crashing into this ill-placed illumination device, but I ran the risk of being infected by the multitude of microbial inhabitants that have spent years building and defending their dusty colony.

We like the dust. It helps to diffuse the light and is very flattering to our complexions, thank you very much.

The reason The Lizard and her burrow are so dusty, you ask?

Because the cleaning supplies are out of her reach.

If I had taken a video of this, you would be able to see the masses of dust busily bustling in an effort to reinforce the protective barrier they have been building around the can of Pledge. I made the mistake of trying to touch it, and at least one of them growled at me.

Another hitch in being a guest in the Elfin Cottage is mealtime. Although the food is a pleasure to the palate, the portions leave much to be desired. From the first image, it appears as though there is a plate full of food and its presentation could rival a fine restaurant.

However, when compared to my normal plate, with the same portion size, one can see how it is merely a tease and not more than a trifling appetizer.

In an attempt to wrap things up, and bring my first…and probably last…guest appearance to an end, let me just say that the facilities are not the most comfortable either. In an endeavor to keep this post PG-13 and not gross you out any further, here is a recreation of what it looks like when I have to use the lavatory.

And, not only are the books tiny, but the only ones in the bathroom are printed and bound copies of the Lizard’s blog; insufferable!

Therefore, if you should ever visit the Elfin Cottage (and I suggest that you do), make sure to watch your head, bring a respirator, pack a snack and some good reading material for after dinner.

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