Vince felt that my blog about our last dinner together didn’t tell the whole story. He requested that he be given a chance to tell his side of the tale. (Refer to this post for my take on our evening together.) Take it away, Vince:
Hi, my name is Vince. My family and I are friends with the Dustylizards, and have been so for at least 5 years (except for that year where they found new friends-refer to this post). The best way to determine the length of our friendship is that we became friends during the season of “Lost” where they figured out someone was trying to kill them. I know, that was pretty much every season, but we estimate it to be around season 4. Anyway, I digress.
I asked Jackie if I could be a guest writer for the blog, as I would like to set the record straight on a few matters. First, we do not have 41 children. We have 38 and a half. Please look at the picture above. That is me answering my door on the last visit the Lizards made to our home. I was shocked and confused that we had dinner guests, and I think they simply dropped in uninvited (refer to this post). Anyway, they insist it was prearranged, but with as many children as we have, it is hard to keep track. That particular evening one of our kids, whose name I still don’t know but she responds to “Hey”, had a soccer game. I was waiting for Hey to call me. Actually I think Hey might not live here, but we often taxi her around.
Trying to be polite, we invited them in.
When they came in, two children followed, and I immediately asked who gave them permission to go outside and told them they were grounded from TV. Jackie quietly told me they were her children. I felt sheepish. Sadly, two of mine were fighting over something inane again. “He touched me” “No I didn’t” “Yes, you did”, and on and on and on, and on again. I don’t think Hey ever gets into these squabbles
The lady in the picture above is my lovely wife, Gail. She can do many things at once, like tie a shoe, feed a baby, fold clothes, feed the cats, wash a toilet, and manage to listen to me. I actually think she might be Alice the maid from the Brady Bunch, but I am afraid to ask in fear that she might start charging me for her help. Or she will run away with Sam the butcher and leave me with these children.
Gail, as you can see, is flexible and can go with the flow. “Oh look dear, we have guests,” and she moves right into hostess mode. As you can see I am staring off in the distance trying to figure out what to serve the Lizards, since they arrived after we ate. They refuse to eat meat products, so that leaves out the hot dogs we were going offer. Gail offered an appetizer, and pretended that she knew they were coming over. Jackie questioned Gail about the salad, wondering if it was organically grown. I cannot grow hair, let alone organic lettuce, what was she thinking?
At this point in the evening, we decided to serve them leftovers, and I got into trouble with Gail. I often feel that it is acceptable to charge our guests money for dinner, or at least ask for a tip. Normally, Gail doesn’t know that I have done this, but tonight she caught me. I think we are going to have a talk later about this practice that I have. See the big kid in the background? I think his name is Joe. He also serves as the butler.
Despite what was already written, we did serve Bryan some non-organic lettuce and a burnt piece of cheese from lasagna that had been in the fridge for a week. I don’t know why Bryan was dubious, but he ate it anyway.
Again, Gail, the polite hostess, and I are looking at what Jackie brought over for dessert. I think we are test subjects for her science experiments, and if we don’t pass out or die, she knows it is safe to feed to the other friends she made in the year we didn’t see them. (Incidentally, we didn’t see them that year because we had three more children show up at our home.) This is what she calls Dump Cake. Think that over. Dump Cake. Hmmm, yeah I thought the same thing. Dump Cake. Dump Cake? Most people bring brownies, cookies, Rice Krispies Treats.
Dump Cake. (Refer to this blog for the recipe.)
Since Bryan was excused from paying for the family meal, I thought it appropriate to ask him to serve me my dinner. Guess what? Gail wants to talk about that later, too. How about Bryan looking shocked. Imagine how I felt when I opened the door. Anyway, the butler can serve me.
Here we are discussing TV shows. Again. That is what we have in common. Bryan is crying because I won’t let him tell me any more about Once Upon A Time. Also, I won’t shut up about Knots Landing. Yes, that Knots Landing from the big hair 80’s. I didn’t discover it until I was 40. Let’s just not talk about that.
I can’t believe Jackie picked this up!! Due to my OCD, I like things to be in their place, and not to be moved. We haven’t dusted since 2004, and I wasn’t afraid to tell Jackie to not pick things up like this cheap pot we got in London. Gail was not amused, and I was pinched under arm, and given a firm reprimand that Jackie was our guest and she brought Dump Cake.
At this point in the evening, the butler came out and did his job. We left the table for about an hour as Jackie continued to discuss her camera and its shutter speed. I wanted to talk about Dallas, yes that Dallas. Again, let it go and move on.
Every time we get together, the Lizards want to play games (refer to this post). I hate board games, but being the friend that I am, I will do what they want. I just wish we could start the games earlier at night, say around 7:30 instead of 9:00 when I am going to bed. The butler asked if we wanted coffee, and we all said yes. Oh, and Hey showed up with a boyfriend tonight. She checked in, said “Hey”, and left.
See, I told you not to eat the Dump Cake. And Jackie is still talking about the camera and lens control. Can we talk about Dynasty? See you next month.