Library Fines, Shiny Naked People, and Do Not Look at the Police Officer

Me man. You woman. Ug.

I had to return this book to the library today.  It was two days overdue at the York County library, so that meant I’d racked up an $84.25 overdue fee.  I really hate that library.  I’d intended on renewing it online at home, but I couldn’t because two other people had requested the book and were waiting for me to return it.  Two other people!  Why?  Why is this particular book is such demand?  I mean, look at that cover!  Sooo cheesy and old-fashioned looking.  They haven’t made covers like that since 1978.

It’s in such demand because it’s about John Carter and that John Carter movie is out now.  When I checked out the book, I didn’t know it was about John Carter.  It wasn’t until I started reading it that I put two and two together.

But Dustylizard, if you weren’t reading it because of the movie, what prompted you to check it out in the first place?  I mean, look at that cover!  Is that the sort of book you usually read?  I thought you had better taste than that!

I’m glad you asked.  I don’t normally check out cheesy looking books like that.   I checked it out because Melissa recommended it to me.  And, as you can tell from the ‘Me Tarzan, You Jane’ cover, it actually is written by the same guy who wrote Tarzan; Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Based on her recommendation, I requested it from the library.  It was such an old, cheesy book that no one else wanted it, and it had to be sent from a remote branch of the library to my local branch.  You can imagine my embarrassment when I went to pick it up.  That cover!  I told the librarian, “This book isn’t for me.  I’m checking it out for a friend.”  I’m thinking that Melissa’s copy of the book doesn’t have a shiny, naked woman being carried around by a shiny, naked man while green Martians scream in the background.

I had to hide the book from my nephew when he was here.  I didn’t want him to go home and tell his parents about the naked people books I keep in my house.  Though, the people on the cover are looking good.  Very trim and fit.  I can appreciate the human form.

Course, the last time I appreciated the male form was last October, and I’ve been afraid to ever since.  Seriously, I’ll never look at a man again.  Here’s the story:

Last October, I was driving around in Hanover with the kids.  There was a police car parked on the side of the road.  As I passed, the police officer inside the car got out of the car.  I couldn’t help but notice him.  He was tall and lean, and his muscular arms were filling out his uniform in the most pleasing way.  He was lookin’ good.  The thought popped into my head, “Now that’s a fine figure of a man! A fine figure.”

And then he turned and I saw his face.  Abort, abort!  No, no, no!

No.  No, it’s not what you’re thinking.  It wasn’t that he was ugly, because he wasn’t.  No.  The problem was that…he was Andrew!  Andrew!  My friend Mary’s husband!  Andrew, who comes to my house and bumps into the chandeliers and knocks all the dust off them!  That Andrew!

Oh, ew, ew, ew!  I sort of make it a point not to ogle my friend’s husbands.  In general, I don’t ogle men than I actually know in person at all.  Just strangers.  It’s ok to ogle strangers.  Not that I’ll actually be ogling any strangers any time soon.  I’m too scared it’ll be someone I know again.

The week after I ogled poor Andrew, they were scheduled to come to my house to carve pumpkins for Halloween.  It’s our yearly tradition.  Here’s a picture of us all with our pumpkins. Andrew is the tall one in the back.

Andrew and Mary.

P.S.  Melissa pointed out that the book is actually pretty good.  Her copy is a Kindle copy, so she didn’t know about all the naked people.  I agree that it’s a good read.  The first few chapters were great.  Loved how it is supposed to be the journals of John Carter that we’re reading after his death.  I don’t know how it ends, though, because I had to return it…

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2 thoughts on “Library Fines, Shiny Naked People, and Do Not Look at the Police Officer

  1. hey, dustylizard, we laughed out loud! Only, I couldn’t really laugh loudly because AJ was sleeping…he’s on 3rd shift. so you shouldn’t be bumping into him in HAnover any time soon. Keep them coming…I love to laugh. And yes, he is pretty nice to look at in that uniform..

    • Well, from the one look I got, he was looking good in the uniform that day. But I’m never looking at him again, so I’ll have to take your word for it in the future. 🙂

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