Took The Boy to the doctor today for a lingering cough.
In order to take The Boy to the doctor, I had to dress up in my fake business clothes. If you look like a stay at home mother they wonder why you stay at home. Maybe you’re not smart enough to get a job. You run the risk of being Talked Down To because you might not be smart enough to follow along. Hence, the fake business clothes. Business clothes make you look smarter.
So do glasses.
Before I had Lasik eye surgery I wore thick glasses. Glasses make your eyes look beady and cunning. People would take one look at those thick glasses and beady eyes and know how smart I was. The bad haircuts helped, too. Thick glasses, bad hair, and love of sci-fi. Check, check, and check–she’s smart!
Incidentally, speaking of Lasik, I had the dubious honor of being known as the Worst Patient Ever when I had my Lasik surgery done.
Before the surgery, they give you a Valium. Why? First, because most people are pretty freaked out about lasers being shot into their eyes, and second, so that you can sleep after the surgery and rest your eyes. From having lasers shot into them.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I had too much Valium. (I was scrawny.) My husband still talks with unrestrained glee about the loopy conversation we had before the surgery.
When it was time for the surgery…I got nervous. And when I get nervous, I talk.
That’s it. Just talk.
But for some reason it annoys the medical personnel.
For example there was the time when I was donating blood and they asked me to leave. There I was, needle in arm, blood dripping into the bag, and I got a little nervous:
“Wow, the needle hurts. Should it hurt? Maybe it’s not in right and it’ll damage my veins and they’ll collapse. What if I pass out and fall off the chair and the needle rips a long gash in my vein and blood is pouring out everywhere and you can’t stop the bleeding? What if the bag pops open and blood is dribbling out and no one notices and you keep taking my blood until I’m bled dry. What if…”
They removed the needle after 2 minutes of this, gave me a cookie and sent me away.
Honestly. They took out the needle and sent me away before they had all the blood.
Same sort of thing happened with the Lasik. I don’t remember what I said (remember the valium?) but after the surgery the doctor told my husband that I was his Worst Patient Ever and he almost cancelled the surgery. I am not exaggerating.
The follow-up visit the next day was just as bad. All I can assume is that coming down off my triple dose of Valium left me emotionally unstable. There’s really no other explanation. I’ve never felt as spacey and out of control as that day, before or since.
During the follow up visit, the doctor checked my eyes, didn’t say anything, and left the room. Another doctor came in and checked my eyes, didn’t say anything, and turned to write something down.
Two doctors? And they won’t speak to me? In my unstable, un-Valiumed state, I was convinced I would be blind within the hour and they were trying to figure out how to gently break the news to me. I couldn’t breathe and blacked out, right there in the chair.
I will never take valium again.
Star Trek Quotes of the Day:
Bones: He’s dead, Jim.
Redshirt death toll: None.
Movie watched while cleaning/cooking in the kitchen: Vantage Point.